Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
