how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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