Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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