toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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