I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
