I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
