Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Randomize
