He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
