so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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