I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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