I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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