TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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