So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
