I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
