I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize