Say something about gay babies.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
two words: eviction party
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
NoShamevember. You game?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
