Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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