The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
