This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
