the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
