1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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