I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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