Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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