Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there was a trapeze. enough said
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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