Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize