I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
