WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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