I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
