If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
