I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
