So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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