Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
