Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
my liver is dry heaving
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
