there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
tell me about the eggs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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