i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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