I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
