Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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