You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
