I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
