I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
