glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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