Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
