Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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