Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
