then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
