Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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