made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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