her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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