I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
