I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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