you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
