peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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