Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize