Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
