He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
