Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think i got beer on your cat.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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