I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
