i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
