Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
