Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the day after is always just damage control
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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